I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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