My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
