I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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