Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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