When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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