Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
