I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
