She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
