I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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