I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
