I will die if light touches me.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
