By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
