Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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