you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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