I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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