your thong is hanging out like whoa
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
