it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize