Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
