i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
