i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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