Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize