Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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