She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
