My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You are the jesus of drinking
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
there is puke in my bra ... again
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
