im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
