She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
