I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
