69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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