I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
