Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
