so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
