i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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