you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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