I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
