I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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