We won't sleep together?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
