I just pynch a tree in the face
I skipped work to stalk him.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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