I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
