someone threw a dead crab at me
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
