I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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