i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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