yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
