god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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