I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
