Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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