cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
