Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
