threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
