Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
