This girl is more easily done than said...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
