Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
