You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
