my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize