I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
