My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
