The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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