Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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