you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
