I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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