Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
