Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
