I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
