never play flip cup with pint glasses
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
as a side note pls kill me
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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