I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
