there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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